The feelings surrounding this new year are different for me. Normally, I welcome the fresh start and plan the resolutions I will ultimately fail. The newness usually brings freshness and rejuvenation to my soul.
This year feels desolate. I look ahead and see a lonely stretch of highway with many empty markers never to be filled. It is a painful road with stops along the way that will heighten the emptiness of my arms. Silas will never begin crawling, walking, or talking. His birthday will come and he will not be here. We won’t get to watch his siblings teach him how to open presents or how to blow out his candle. I dread the ache and pain, and the anticipation of those feelings often creates numbness in hopes that I can avoid some of the pain. But, it will hurt…
The anticipation of a new year is different when you are looking forward to the good things that could happen, rather than when you know that the road ahead is bittersweet, painful, and lonely. But, I still can’t help but anticipate that something good will come from this year, for I cannot say that 2013 was only filled with pain. 2013, after all, was filled with great joy when it brought me my Silas, and I would never change having had him to avoid the pain. He is a part of me.
In spite of all of the sadness, the upcoming year also feels hopeful. Since the loss of my son, I have learned I am a very hopeful person, in spite of the terrible loss that rocked my world. Such loss could cause one to lose all hope in this life, and before this happened, I thought it would do that to me, but I find hope in my children and hope that there will be more to love in the future.
This year, I hope to create a good life for Lily and Milo. The things I wish I could do for Silas will translate into things I can do for them. They will be loved with enough love for each of their little souls, plus the love of their brother that inspires me to do my best as their mother. Where would I be without my three children? Even though living this life with two children in my arms while one is in my heart was never part of my plan, each one has blessed my life, and always will.
2014, I have hope in you.