Christmas will be different this year…

…for we expected to share it with Silas.

I guess I feel detached. Especially in this holiday season. We are a happy family, even in the midst of our sorrow, but our hearts are raw because we are missing someone. The holidays are a time for drawing close to those you cherish most, and I cannot do that with the one for whom my heart aches.

I feel defeated in this season of love and joy. The time of year in which even Scrooge can find happiness, I am left wanting, aching, and feeling incomplete. I am not in the joyful part of my journey yet. I feel it will come with time. Right now is my season of mourning for what has been lost, and also my season of hope for the future. All of the holiday merriment that currently seems to envelop every aspect of our lives is overwhelming. I feel as though I will be viewed as one who takes the good times for granted. I am not. I am just trying to figure out how to enjoy the love and good tidings in the midst of my heartache. This year I will slow down and embrace all of these feelings and allow my heart to grieve and heal.

Last year was full of the expectation of the happiness Silas would bring to our lives.  I wish I were back in those happy moments.  We announced Silas’ upcoming arrival last Christmas:

Christmas stockingsIMG_0594I look back at this photo from 2012 and feel it is more complete than a photo from this year will ever be for even though you cannot see Silas, he is there, our beating hearts so close together.

This year and every year after, I carry him in my heart.

The sparkle and glitter are different this year. There is no anticipation. There is no excitement. My heart is searching, exactly for what, I do not know. I look up and see the dark blue sky with twinkling stars, feel the cold, fresh air, smell the fireplaces warming loving homes, and there is a halo of loving reverence as I hold dear in my heart loved ones on earth and loved ones in heaven.