We were contacted regarding the donation at six in the morning the day after we had lost our beloved son. We weren’t sleeping anyway. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect a phone call like that at all. When asked, I hesitated because he was my baby, but I remembered the peace God had given me and the confirmation I had felt that my baby was truly gone. I looked at my husband, saw the slight nod of his head and said yes. The contact on the phone was surprised by our quick agreement and thanked us for the gift. We continued with the formalities and that afternoon I went to the hospital to have my blood drawn as necessitated by the donation procedure. The lab technicians were very sympathetic. I cried. I told my husband it would’ve been easier to donate his organs or have him donate mine.

I was so surprised by the comments we received regarding our donation and the BABW story. I was unaware my friend’s son has had several donated valves in his short lifetime. I was unaware my other friend’s son had a heart valve defect. I had no idea people I care for had benefited from the choices other mothers and fathers before us had made.

The support of friends and family has meant so much to me during this time. My friends have let me cry as they held me and wept with me. They have listened to my ramblings and memories of Silas. Without them, I couldn’t have talked through these sacred moments and discovered the blessings God had given us. He protected us. We weren’t supposed to be at the doctor’s office that day. We were supposed to schedule the appointment the next day, but it was busy and I asked to come in a day sooner. Every day I realized how much worse things could’ve been if we’d been at home, at the zoo, or in the car. God protected us by sending us to the doctor’s office so we could have the blessed assurance that everything possible had been done to save Silas’ life. I truly know he was called home by God.

I began to desire to share these blessings with friends and family who would gather with us as we said our final goodbyes to our son. I didn’t think I could stand and speak in my emotional state. I wrote out the words for someone else to share. But, I wanted to convey the love I had for Silas. It’s amazing how much courage a mother can muster when it is for her child. I realized that I loved sharing the story of Silas because it allowed me to relive the blessing that he was and is. I was terrified of the day of the service. I was scared it would reopen the wounds God had been healing during the week.I posted on Facebook “Tomorrow will surely be the second worst day of my life. Saying goodbye a second time will shatter my heart. The finality of it all is devastating. But, I know he is at peace, and I want to share how much he blessed our lives.”

The morning of his service I posted on Facebook, ”I lay awake in bed this morning, not yet ready to get up. I remembered the feeling of morning with my baby here beside me and how I couldn’t tear myself away from gazing at his peaceful sleeping face. And then I thanked God for the sweet memory.”

It is not word for word since I was able to speak from my heart, but this is what I shared at his service:

I never knew how peace could exist in situations like this…but now I do.

Three words have come to mind when I think of Silas. Blessing, gratefulness, and peace. Our story of Silas begins long before he was born. It is a journey of storms and the peace afterward.

I remember thinking often of a scripture a friend had shared after the birth of her third son.

1 Samuel 1:27: I prayed for this child, and The Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.

I prayed 10 months before we found out our family would grow to a family of five. Those months were filled with doubts I continuously had to hand back to The Lord. Joy filled my life when I found out about Sy. But, then the storms that had previously happened in my life brought fears and doubts. I was afraid I would miscarry again like I had the year before. Then I was blessed with the feeling of peace and the thought that I should enjoy every moment with this little life. I was reminded that if anything should happen, I would need the support of my friends and family and felt I should share the excitement of the news with our close friends and family. So, we told a handful of people and enjoyed our baby.

The second trimester came. More peace settled on my heart. We found out he was a boy. The next storm came in the form of gestational diabetes. I feared for his safety during the pregnancy and delivery, but God gave me peace. He let me feel that everything was progressing as it should, and it was.

Silas was born three days before his due day which was two days before the scheduled induction necessitated by my gestational diabetes. Looking back, I think he was eager to meet us and I am grateful for that extra time with him. He was 6 pounds, 14 ounces, and 19 inches. He was only one ounce bigger than his brother had been and I knew the peace God had given me when I had felt the pregnancy was progressing normally had been real.

When he was seven hours old, the next storm came. He was taken to the NICU because his oxygen levels were low and he was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension. We went to see him in the NICU, and he was responding well so the fear was replaced with peace. I told my friends he was so “zen” lying there, but now I realize he was peaceful, and his peace brought me peace. After his administration, a special prayer, he began eating again and I relished holding him and loving on him and gazing into his eyes. I enjoyed every moment with him. When the nurses offered to feed him for me, I said no-I knew what I was signing up for and I want to feed him every time. I needed him as much as he needed me. I would take some extra time during those feedings to hold him out in front of me and tell him he was just so tiny…and the NICU nurses would look and him and say, you’re so BIG!!!

I held no expectations of what life would be like with him. I just felt love. When you have your first child, that child takes up your whole heart. You wonder how you can divide that love when the second comes along, but there is no division…your heart grows. You just know that your third will fill your heart with so much love it will grow again…it was a love overflowing. Because I held no expectations, I honestly feel that he brought the truest, purest, love I have ever felt in my life. He was so easy to love.

Facebook post:

“As time passes, please don’t be afraid to talk to me about Silas. When I talk about him, I relive the love. Don’t worry if I cry; tears help wash away some of the sorrow and make it more bearable. Your friendships, old and new, are a blessing to me and always will be.”

That night I couldn’t sleep. I felt such despair. I was about to head back down the dark hole that was my life those first two days. I was ready to fall down that hole and wallow in my misery, but something was holding me back, leaving me teetering on the edge. I plugged in my headphones and listened to Natalie Grant’s “Held” so loudly and realized that God was keeping me from falling into that devastation. I fell back into His arms and accepted the comfort and rest He was offering. I felt led to share my feelings with my friends on Facebook. Yes, I know I’m addicted. It is healing during this time. It is my therapy…and cheaper than paying for it! 😉

“Nights are sleepless. Mornings are painful when I realize my reality. Just when I was on the brink of falling into overwhelming despair, I felt rescued from the cliff and knew I was being held.”

My journey through my grief is ongoing…I don’t know what will happen next. I just know that sharing my feelings helps. Friends help. God helps.