Category Archives: hope

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August 8, 2014

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grief, heaven, hope, infant loss, moving forward

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New life and new life in heaven

In the days approaching the anniversary of the day I wish had never happened, I realized that even though I wish with all my heart that Silas were here with us, a happy 13 month old boy, I have grown accustomed to carrying him in my heart. My arms still ache, but my heart is forever overflowing with love.

i carry your heart with me

I began journaling after I lost Silas. It helped me make sense of the sea of emotions I was discovering. I had never know such devastating loss before. I’ve chosen to share the following journal entry from last September because I often wonder what heaven is like. That is where my future with my son is. We are all moving forward in this life, but some of us are also moving toward reuniting with those who left us too soon, or those we never got to meet. Death has lost its sting. I have begun to realize my future does hold having Silas again. Lily always reminds us, too, that we will be with the baby we never got to meet, as well.

 

September 4, 2013

When they told me my baby’s heart had stopped beating, I felt so much pain. It was like I was giving birth to him all over again. My heart and soul were torn from my whole being. My body tensed and wrenched just as it did in labor. The intensity was incomprehensible. I could hardly breathe.

As I reflected on this moment, I wondered why his passing from this life was so similar to his coming into this life. I began to think there was a deeper complexity to God’s plan when Eve sinned and God said woman would suffer during childbirth.

Natural childbirth is excruciatingly painful. That pain faded quickly as I heard my baby cry and as he was placed in my arms. Joy replaced pain as he entered my life. When he left my life, intense pain filled my body. But, I wonder if it was followed with joy in heaven as he entered his new life.

Silas, six weeks old

This is the last photograph I took of Silas. He was exactly six weeks old here, and we lost him two days later.

 

You can read the story of how we lost our little man here.

***I purchased the above necklace from StampedbyDesign to remind me I always carry Silas in my heart. 

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May 8, 2014

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grief, hope

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He Was Braver Than I

Another month. Nine in all. Today, I remembered holding him for the last time. I remembered the questions my heart asked.

In disbelief I looked at him and thought, how did you suddenly slip away? How did your precious spirit leave your body? In my heartbreak, I didn’t understand how he could leave, because I felt as though I was dying, but my body couldn’t and wouldn’t release me.

I looked at my son, my precious baby who had only just come to us from above and realized, he was so fresh from heaven that he recognized it and accepted going home.

I could finally see that I have feared death because I have been separated from heaven and have forgotten what awaits at the end of this life. Having been in the world so long, I’ve fought against death for I feel unworthy to ever return because my sin separates me from God, even though I know the price has been paid.

In that moment of profound grief, I knew and understood Silas was okay and heaven felt so very real, so very close, and so very attainable for the first time in my life.

My son was braver than I. With the spiritual purity of a child, he recognized home. That day, my son taught me not to fear death. He showed me that heaven’s doors are wide open.

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