My heart is sad. I am missing my baby on this special day. I can’t look back and reminisce special Thanksgivings in the past with him. I only have one I shared with him and it was when I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy. I only remember feeling so thankful for the new little life in my womb. I don’t have any “snapshots” in my memory of what this holiday was like with him in my arms, for we lost him too soon.
It is harder in some ways to have never had these holidays with him in our arms, because we don’t have pictures or memories of him here with us to help comfort us through the holidays. I know that memories of past holidays with loved ones lost are often described as bittersweet, but what is the word for how you feel when you never had the chance to make those memories? As I mourn never having held him in my arms and never having seen him with our family on Thanksgiving day, I remember this one special moment with him…
I am thankful for the many times I took the time to stare at my sweet Silas to soak up all of his preciousness. Forever etched in my memory is one of those special times. I remember looking into his eyes and thinking…
Can you see how much I love you?
Can I just pour all of this love from my soul into yours as I stare into your beautiful blue eyes?
Can I possibly relate to you the depth of my love?
My heart overflowed with love for my son and I desperately wanted him to know how much I loved him, but the magnitude of the love I felt was indescribable. It was so intense, I almost felt my heart would break.
There were no words spoken between us in that moment. Our eyes were locked, staring so intently at one another. Silas answered all of my questions in the only way he could. I saw a flicker of love in his eyes. I was taken aback. I thought, did I really just see love in your eyes? He was nearly six weeks old at the time. Never had I seen a baby so young show so much love in his eyes. He was wise beyond his five weeks.
He was too young to say I Love You, but he gave me the greatest gift a mother could ever receive. Though I will never hear those words from his lips, I am able to say he told me he loved me. I know his heart heard mine.
***The photo above is one I am so grateful I took, for it is a view of him from my perspective as I would hold him in front of me as I drank in all the sweetness of his face.